Posts Tagged ‘Charlie Sheen’

This has been one of the funniest weeks on TV that I can remember recently. First Kirk Douglas was resurrected from the dead to give a rambling speech at the Oscars that even the drunkest college party chick would have been proud of. Then Charlie Sheen took the Mel Gibson Exception to the next level and brought ridiculousness back to the forefront, with a string of catch phrases and images that won’t soon be forgotten (or sadly, stop being tweeted about. #BiLosing). Finally, Chris Bosh finally entered the old Contra from Nintendo, 30 lives code to create unlimited slander on him by actually CRYING after the Heat coughed up a 300 point second half lead to lose to the Magic. Truly classic television everywhere these days.

However, the focus and amazement at Sheen’s public implosion made me think, I’ve seen this before, and many times at that. When you’re a sports fan, you’re used to seeing somebody light them self on fire in public with one statement or act. I mean the “flagrantly dumb moment” is as common as a dunk or touchdown highlight now.  Everybody remembers the race Gilbert Arenas and Tiger Woods had last year to see who could out stupid who quicker. And now look at them? Both are in various stages of early retirement/rigor mortis in Orlando. Ugly stuff there.

But the crazy scale? Man, that’s everywhere. And I’m not talking about the borderline diva antics of the Chad OchoNegro or Captain Bucky O’Hare (Eric Williams), I mean legitimate “get this guy the hell away from me” crazy. The type of crazy you can feel even when you’re sitting in the last row of the stadium. Yeah, those are the guys I’m honoring here today. They type of guys Vince McMahon pays big money to some lucky television writers to create (even though he created one of the guys coming up below himself). If you feel yourself displaying any of these upcoming symptoms, please stop what you’re doing immediately and check yourself into the nearest “Wilt Chamberlain Memorial Treatment Center” and relieve yourself of some much built up stress immediately.


Symptoms: Severe disillusionment and failure to know when to say when.

I think it's safe to say Peyton was the safe pick now...

It’s hard to believe this guy could possibly make his personal life worse than his on-field one, but man he did it with flying colors. After his hilariously futile run as a media piñata as one of the biggest busts in NFL history (JaMarcus Russell barely saves him from top honors there), he moved on to what seemed to be a noble turn as a volunteer quarterbacks coach (???) at small West Texas A&M University (I suppose even he realized he’s stolen enough money by then). This feel good story comes to an end with him being suspended from his post at A&M for soliciting pain pills from his players and escalated to indicted for burglary and drug trafficking. This proves it is possible to be a bust in life as well as football.


Symptoms: Bursts of anger that put Lou Ferrigno to shame & advanced team chemistry destroying abilities.

I could list a bunch of ways that Milton (who has the greatest name ever this side of Coco Crisp) has destroyed virtually everything he’s touched in Major League Baseball (he’s played for eight teams in 12 years), however just listing them is far more hilarious:

2004-Cleveland: Gets into a fight with his manager and is traded before the season starts

2007-San Diego: Breaks bat over leg and hurts himself. Later tears ACL while arguing with an umpire. Nice.

2008-Texas (my second favorite): Leaves bench to go up to press box to fight an announcer he believed made unfair comments about his play.

2009-Chicago (my ABSOLUTE favorite): Suspended for “detrimental conduct” (not MB! Never!), and proceeded the say “You can see why they haven’t won in 100 years here”, which is the single greatest quote ever issued by a player about his current employer.

2010-Seattle: Leaves in mid-May to go deal with personal issues (again, Milton? No!)

2011-Seattle: Arrested for making criminal threats to a women in his home.

Of the two prominent Milton Bradley's, this one is just as fun as the other one.

Man, you can count on 3 things in baseball: Albert Pujols hitting 30 home runs, the Cubs losing and Milton Bradley going absolutely ape shit at some point. I can’t wait for next year’s addition.



Symptoms: Severe hatred for all-things living (especially of color).

I could definitely spin this into a “Cobb hated blacks” thing, but Cobb was at his most crazy when in 1912 He climbed into the stands and beat the breaks off a heckler…who happened to have lost both his hands in a factory accident. His reply? “I don’t care if he got no feet!”. The heckler wasn’t black though, just to show that Tyrus Raymond Cobb’s crazy knew no racial limitations.



Symptoms: Major disregard for geographical, sexual and severely bad eyesight.

This is still an odd little scenario, since Kobe admitted the affair, but at the same time didn’t admit his own guilt (scratches head). This could easily be classified as stupid, but while I’m not saying he raped the girl (if Kob won’t, I won’t either), I’m playing the crazy card here because a) if you’ve ever seen Vanessa Bryant, you know this way a ridiculous move completely, b) 6’7, worldwide icon, NBA superstars shouldn’t be sexing up 19 year old hotel workers, regardless of how many times its worked before, and c) he’s lucky his wife didn’t have the Elin Nordegren example to work off of in 2003, or Kobe would still probably be taking up part time work changing spreads in hotels himself just to make ends meet now. Also, nicknaming yourself anything (especially after a snake) is semi-crazy in my book too.

Dude, what more do you need? All those rings < HER. Easy.

6. RAY LEWIS Symptoms: Being one big scary mofo, that wears eye black in everyday life most likely. There are a lot of things to be scared of surrounding Ray Lewis, but the fact that he might actually kill you in real life, just as easily as on the field, is what separates him from Marvin Harrison here. Also, the fact he does what looks like a tribal rain dance, that he says he got from his Moms no less, before each game helps this claim too.



Symptoms: Look up “Ultimate Warrior interview” on YouTube for all the proof you need here.

Behold the poster child....

10 seconds of interviews from this guy seal the deal. Imagine overly tanned Charlie Sheen, only with a violent voice swing that says “I grind up steroids in my breakfast daily & I haven’t slept since 1990’s Wrestlemania”. Also the fact that his legal name is “Warrior”, and he’s a motivational speaker now, seals the deal. (His theme music should also be played while reading this entire column. It enhances it by at least a thousand fold.)


4. DENNIS RODMAN Symptoms: If you remember anything about the mid 90’s you know these symptoms when you see them. Think tall Sisqo. While I think everything he did was a sort of very effective publicity stunt, including Madonna and Carmen Electra, it still takes a solid level of craziness to commit to it as long as Dennis has. The underlying thing with Rodman was that there was a sense of “Dude, don’t touch me!” to him the whole time. Kind of like he set those questionable picks The Revolution was doing while “Prince” destroyed Charlie Murphy on the Chappelle Show.

What more can I say?


Symptoms: A surly nature that would make even Clubber Lang/Mr. T say “This foo is crazy!!!”

Albert “Joey” Belle had his reputation as the biggest bastard in baseball sealed (see video of how nearly shattered Fernando Vina, Mike Singletary style at second base in 1996) long before he jumped the shark completely chased down some trick or treaters in his truck and actually hit one of them. He was like a black Stone Cold Steve Austin, only paid to carry a baseball bat. Scary.



Symptoms: Keeping it so real you become a literal cartoon. Yeah, it’s possible.

I can’t separate these two, it’s just not fair to have to. Ever since they freaked out and kicked everybody’s ass in the Palace in Detroit back in 2004, they have been the modern standard bearers for sports insanity. Stephen Jackson doesn’t get the same headlines as Artest since he’s somewhere between Charlotte and a holding cell these days, but the image of his throwing haymakers and being showered with every loose item in Michigan, all while he stands in a Mortal Kombat-worthy victory pose deserves a statue somewhere one day. As for Ron-Ron, he’s nationally broadcast “I’d just like to thank my therapist” comment after winning the NBA Finals last year makes him the poster child for functional insanity in my book. His retirement villa in Arkham Asylum is already on reserve.

This guy's face pretty much defines this whole article.


Symptoms: Naturally impaired speech, facial tattoos and the potential to scare entire rooms just by walking in them.

I could list all the reasons why Iron Mike is the craziest athlete in history, but quotes can do greater justice than I can. However, I would like to point out that Mike’s combination of physical and verbal fear-inducing ability is unmatched. His highlight reel is the greatest of any athlete ever, just from in the ring. However, his interview highlights easily defeat the boxing ones, and that’s saying a lot. I mean, you can’t make stuff like this up:


“I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian”

“All praise is to Allah, I’ll fight any man, any animal. If Jesus were here, I’d fight him too.”

“I don’t want to be grotesque, but when you’re 330 pounds, it’s hard to wipe your ass. You know?”

“He called me a ‘rapist’, and a ‘recluse’. I’m not a recluse!” “I used to kill pigeons, rip their heads off. ‘You dirty rat pigeon!’ I don’t even have the heart to kill an animal no more. I just changed my whole life in general.”

“My style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious! I want your heart! I want to eat your children! Praise be to Allah!” *Walks off*

And I will too…thank you and tip your usher. (All due respects to Stephon Marbury, Delonte West, Tonya Harding and  Leonard Little as well, you were all thought of in the making of this guide.)